The Bahamas for Christmas

I know I'll never get to have family Christmas traditions with my extended family just because we're all so far apart and it's hard to all get together. So my parents and I tend to go visit someone different each year. We used to go to my mom's brother and sister in Berlin every 2 or 3 winters but then we discovered that going to Berlin in the summer is more fun so it has been over 10 years since we've spent Christmas with them. And sometimes we go to my dad's sister's in Eastern Kentucky/Western Virginia but that can be a bad drive and my dad doesn't really like going. So lately, we've spend Christmas just at home with the 3 of us and then gone off to a bridge tournament in Charleston or Myrtle Beach right after Christmas.

This year will be a different adventure. We're going in a 4 day cruise to the Bahamas and I'm trying to get myself excited about it. I guess it'll be fun - it will be the first true vacation I've taken in a very long time - I mean, the first vacation in years that's not totally filled with a bridge tournament and/or lots of activities, but one where I could relax and sleep a lot. I'm mainly concerned that I'm going to be bored and won't find other 20-somethings to hang out with on the ship. But I bought another Albert Camus book - A Happy Death - that I intend to read. The Stranger by Camus is one of my absolute favorite books but I never ventured into any of his other books yet. I generally have too much other stuff going on to think about reading.

Anyway, last weekend I tested out my PUA (pick-up artist) skills at bars and night clubs in atlanta and found that they stink. Not that I was any good before at striking up a conversation and meeting girls at bars before, but I could hardly get a hello out despite all the recent new confidence I have gained (from the acting experience). So, I guess more than anything, I need to prepare my body to take it easy and just relax.

Reflecting upon Traditions

I’ve had more than my share of big adventures in the last year or two but being in a play tops them all, except maybe seeing my huge family in the Philippines for the first time in 15 years.

Trying to be in a musical isn’t something I would ever have done on my own, and I probably wouldn’t have done this if I had to audition. But I am incredibly happy that I did act in the play and apparently do pretty well, and I just want my whole facebook network to know that, even the many friends I have who have no interest in even being a theater-goer. This first theater experience far exceeded my expectations and certainly won't be the my last.

It took awhile to warm up to most of the people but I eventually grew to love the cast and crew almost like my own family. With me rarely getting to see my extended family, the family feeling we had was truly great, and I will miss it: the late night coffee/dinner with David and Louise and sometimes others, playing with Sadie and Ella among others backstage, the mall scene (my favorite part of the play), working on the set. There is one little sore spot, but what would life be without a little conflict and I’m sure that will subside over time. Thanks to Emory for thinking I would do well and like being in the show, and to Sylvia for accepting a complete novice to fill the important role of Nevarre. Thanks to my mom and Hillery for doubting my abilities, thereby initially giving me even more desire to succeed, although in the end i got virtually no satisfaction from proving them wrong. The joy was in getting to meet all the wonderful people, hearing the audience’s applause and congratulations, and learning about myself.

So, I want to have a big family get together which apparently isn't happening this Christmas, but I have a couple of moderately big non-Traditional trips coming up that should be fun. What will my next adventure be? 2010 is looking wide-open right now. I’m open to suggestions.

Holiday Vacation Planning

Despite having only 13 vacation days plus 11 federal holidays off each year, I am not lacking in vacations. I take more than my share. But they're all short trips - usually just 1 day off from work. I've been assigned the task of organizing the holiday trips. First, a trip with friends, supposedly to go skiing the week before Christmas. I've had 2 others interested and excited to go since the planning process began 2 months ago but I really want more people to go. This is strange since I don't generally like big groups. Several others have shown some mild interest but for various reasons can't go. I guess we'll go ahead with the trip anyway, but I'm not too excited about it at the moment.

For Christmas, I want to go see my cousins Ron and Charles and their kids in Blacksburg but they haven't contacted us and my parents don't fancy asking them about us coming up there. So my parents want to go on a Caribbean cruise. My 2nd option is actually to go to NYC. I guess my parents have a recent fascination with cruises since their 8 day cruise on the Danube River last month, and I have a renewed fascination with theater so I want to see a Broadway show, probably Mama Mia. My guess is that I'll give in to the cruise, which is Dec 24-27, so I won't have to take any time off work. It could be fun. I would be all for it if I someone I like that's my age would come along or if I had some guarantee that I'd meet someone I like hanging out with. I'm just afraid that I'll be bored, even with the massive amounts of entertainment they have on ships these days.

For New Year's, I assume I'm going with my parents to Myrtle Beach for the bridge tournament but I don't know. We haven't talked about it. And I'm thinking about going to the Orange Bowl to see Tech vs. Iowa, but that's on a Tuesday which sucks because it means I'll have to take at least a day off work.

San Diego

Last week, I was fortunate to spend 3 days in San Diego for the fall nationals. It really wasn't enough time, though. That's how it always is at national bridge tournaments, though. Each one I go to is more fun than the previous one. I got to spend some good quality time with 2 of my favorite bridge people - Sean Gannon and Giorgia Botta.

Aside from the bridge tournament, San Diego was a wonderful city to hang out in. It's kind of small for a major city but we stayed at the Hyatt Hotel right on the bay. It's so beautiful, the streets were all really clean, and they have the cutest mall I've seen. It kind of reminds me of a video game with its bright colors and maze-like structure. The gaslamp district is certainly noteworthy for the large food selection and late-night activity. I never heard why it's called the gaslamp distrct. oh well.

Be My Escape

Awkward situations have been rampant in my life lately and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. If we never experienced awkwardness, we would be stuck with the same friends, with the same life. At the beginning of any relationship or friendship, there is bound to be some awkwardness, especially for someone like me who tends to be very slow at opening up to people.

If we run away at the first sign of anything awkward, we are cheating ourselves out of an opportunity. It may be more comfortable at the present time to follow your routine or stay alone but it doesn’t help to improve our quality of life. Even if a situation turns out to not be good, at least you’ll know what you’re missing. I used to run back to my comfort zone every time I found myself in a strange territory. In the last year or two I have stepped out into the world more than ever before and it is wonderful, and I realize that I missed out on many things when I was an avoider.

I am a very determined person, in many respects. I have a hard time finding things I am passionate about but once I do find something, I go all out to make the best of it and make it work. When I decide I want to be someone’s friend, I am persistent. They may at first push me away a bit with some lame excuse to avoid the bit of awkwardness, but it takes a lot of attempts before I change my mind and decide that we’re just not meant to be friends. When I decide to do something, whether it be work or bridge or tennis or acting, you can be sure I’ll work hard at it. The best things in life you have to fight for. The opportunity may fall into your lap but then you have to go after it and be bold.

Sometimes things reach the point of being awkward even after several attempts. But still, awkward is better than boring or empty. If you find some event/person boring, there’s no temptation to try it again, but if it’s awkward, at least you care and may try to approach the situation differently next time.

With Thanksgiving coming up, many of us will face some awkward situations with long lost friends and family or people you ordinarily don’t spend much time around. I say, embrace the opportunity and make the best of it.

“I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.
I fought you for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You” – Relient K

Open Up Your Plans and Damn You're Free

I’m still afraid to take a break from doing lots of stuff. I’m afraid that if I spend a weekend at home with nothing in particular to do that I’ll get lonely and sad. But I was planning to do that the rest of the year, with my only real activities left this year being a trip San Diego over Thanksgiving and skiing right before Christmas. My solution for the past year has been to go places and see lots of different friends while not getting attached to any of them. It has been fun, but rather unfulfilling. I like having just a few really close friends and I like taking going to see places with them rather than a multitude of not-so-close friends that I go visit all over the country.

They say that life’s best gifts come when you’re not expecting anything or even looking for anything. As I think about how I met and got to be good friends with people in the past, it was really just by luck and good fortune. When this opportunity to be in a play a week or 2 ago presented itself to me, it was a total surprise. And I’m even surprised that I agreed to it – out of the 4 people I asked for advice on whether I should, only 2 actually thought I could handle it. I’ll wait until the performances to pass final judgment on this, but after 5 rehearsals, I am enjoying it a lot. The pretending to be a couple is a little weird (we’ve known each other 1 week and seem like we’re afraid to get close to each other). Maybe a good friend or two will come from this but I shouldn’t expect anything.

Filipinos are typically very strong in the performing arts like singing and dancing. I was in some Filipino dances 15-20 years ago but that’s all. My mom didn’t raise me to be a good Filipino – she didn’t teach me the language either. As a freshman in college, I joined the Filipino Student Association but somehow never got involved with of their little productions. I regret that a little bit.

I’ve been having the urge to write a lot lately. Since the summer, actually, when I started my bridge blog. The one thing I regret more than anything from my time at Tech is not getting involved with the Technique. I may not be one for reading books or making up stories but I could have made great contributions as a news writer or sports writer or editor for the school paper. I can write very well and I like to write as long as it doesn’t require too much imagination. Maybe in my next career (which isn’t starting any time soon) I’ll get to do some writing and use my French.

New Adventure

Friday evening I got an email from my favorite bridge partner that really surprised me. Of course, I was also surprised when he told me two years ago that he’s going to be in a play. I mean, I have the same kind of personality as him – kind of quiet and reserved. But he has loved being in plays for years, apparently.

The email was about a part in Traditions, a play at the Macon Little Theatre in less than a month. They need a person to play the role of Nevarre, supposedly a foreigner, and there were apparently no brown people that auditioned. I was flattered but I can’t sing or dance. At least that’s what I had been telling myself for years. The memorization and speaking in front of an audience shouldn’t be a problem, and the role seems to be very much like me in real life so there wouldn’t be much need to be someone different. So I said I would be interested as long as I don’t have any musical solos.

Meanwhile, I asked my parents and my best friend what they thought of this. My dad said I should jump on the opportunity and that I would do well. My mom and best friend were both doubtful that I could handle it. They didn’t say it in so many words but comments like “it’s worth a try” and “you’ll have to speak louder” and “your soft voice may hinder you” made it clear that they didn’t have much confidence in me. But what do they know? They’re only the 3 people in the world that know me the best.

Tonight, they decided that they would like my services and I am excited about this. It’s something new for me but something I am confident I can do well. Previously, I would have taken my parents’ and best friends words and said there’s no way I can do this if my best friends don’t even think I can. But this time, it’s just motivation for me to do well and prove that they’re wrong. Besides, I like new adventures and need the opportunity to meet more fascinating people. So, I start rehearsal tomorrow. More updates to come.

Great Expectations

No, I'm not writing a review of the Charles Dickens book. I’m writing about personal expectations for life. We have a tendency to expect certain things from certain people and often times our expectations are too high, leaving us disappointed when the expectations don’t come true.

For me, this tends to happen only with people I am very close to or want to be very close to. I expect compliments about certain things, regular phone calls and emails, and other courtesies that wouldn’t be expected of an acquaintance. So, for a long time I kept getting frustrated because my expectations for how others treated me were not met. And it took a long time to grow out of that – to expect nothing from anyone. Sometimes it’s good to just embrace being an individual not dependent on anyone. So, for most of this year, that is how I’ve been. I have lots of acquaintances but no one I really have depended on. If someone says they’ll call back and they don’t, oh well. If someone ditched me last minute, oh well.

But this also leaves a lot lacking. We all need close intimate relationships – not necessarily a romantic relationship, but a couple of people we can depend on to lift us up anytime, to call us just to say hi, to spend time with on a daily basis. And I feel myself longing for that again. But I don’t know who to turn to for that kind of friendship. My best friend doesn’t have time to be the best friend that I need/want. Hopefully someone good will come my way. I just can’t go force it on someone. Things like developing close bonds are kind of unpredictable and if you try to mess with the ways of the world, it can easily backfire.

Pittsburgh in the Fall

Living in middle Georgia, I hardly get to experience fall weather and the changing color of the leaves. I mean, it does get colder and the leaves do turn orange a little bit, but it's not nearly as sectacular as further north. I had the opportunity to go to Pittsburgh last weekend and it was really amazing. I love the hills in and around the city and the beautiful bridges that are all over. I never imagines Pittsburgh to be a very nice city. The name and reputation as the steel city just sounds dirty and gloomy.

I probably went on the best possible weekend of the entire year. The leaves were at their peak colorfulness. The weather was gorgeous - sunny with highs in the low 60's. The city was alive and excited about their sports teams. Maybe it is that Pittsburgh doesn't have as much stuff overall going on as Atlanta or New York or Chicago, but the people are crazy about their sports. The Penguins played Friday and Saturday night and I got to go see the game Saturday, my first hockey game ever, in fact. They really stunk it up that night but I could really tell the fans are passionate about supporting their team. Saturday afternoon U Pitt hosted South Florida and Forbes St. around campus was lively with Pitt students' faces painted blue and gold. And the biggest game of all was Sunday when the Steelers hosted Favre and the Vikings at the beautiful Heinz Field. I was on Mount Washington during this game so I saw from a distance the crowd fullup the stadium and heard the crowd roar from across the river while eating a leisurely lunch and taking in the scenery.

Pittsburgh has a unique setting. There is a steep mountain some 500 feet high above the water, right along the south bank where the 3 rivers (Monongahela, Ohio, and Allegheny) meet. There are 2 inclines - steep railways that take you from the base to the top of Mount Washington - that are old and seem rickety. But it's actually very safe and it's the place to go if you go to Pittsburgh. There are several restaurants with views of the Pittsburgh skyline and the rivers and stadiums.

New York trip

I took a 3 day weekend to go to New York October 1-4. Mainly I was playing in a bridge tournament on Long Island with my friend Mila but I had to spend 1 day in the city. I have only been to NYC once previously. About a year ago I was on long island for work and I got to spend a couple of evenings in the city, but I didn't do much but walk around. This time, I did about the same and met up with a couple of friends, one in the Greenwich village area and one in Queens.

New York really feels like a foreign city. Kind of European but there are too many skyscrapers for Europe. And it seemed to me like there were more asians than I expected. But maybe its just the area I was in. I guess NYC is about how I would imagine Singapore. Yeah, that's it. Very dense population, mostly English speakers but there's a little of every language, lots of Asians. Does anyone else feel this way about NYC? I've been to all the major cities in the US - Chicago, San Francisco, Dallas, Atlanta, Washington, Boston - and NYC is the only one that doesn't feel American.

The cab system is kind of a mess once you get outside Manhattan. In Manhattan and parts of the othe burroughs, the trusty yellow cabs are all over. But in Jamaica and the more remote parts of Queens, yellow cabs are hard to find. Most cabs are gypsy cabs or cabs that aren't clearly marked. I don't know how legal they are but they are very common and by far the most efficient way to get to Laguardia airport from the Long Island Railroad. Further out in Suffolk County, cabs are run by dozens and dozens of different companies. These are marked and legal but there is no organization, no regulation for what cab fares should be. Most cars don't have meters and they charge whatever they feel like. I took a cab 3 times between the LIRR and the bridge tournament and was charged $6, $7, and $8. these cab drivers, mostly hispanics, wait at the train station and you tell them where you're going and they'll shuffle you around and take 2 or 3 different passengers at a time to their destination.

Communication With Friends

For those of you who actually know me and have ever planned or attempted to plan anything with me, you know that I am not very tolerant of people who always wait until the last minute and/or are unresponsive. In middle school and high school, I tended to be one of these people who didn't respond to people in a timely manner mostly due to being slightly anti-social. I didn't become a real functioning human being until I was in college. But once I decided I wanted to actually interact with people on a regular basis and had to arrange things on my own (in high school, social things were all built-in to my life due to baseball and tennis and school-related stuff), I became very responsive to others and considerate when responding to others. And I'm mainly talking about responding when asked to do something or when trying to plan some social event in the next few days/weeks. Be considerate. Don't leave me hanging for several days. Don't ignore me. Don't say you might want to do some activity when the chances you'll actually be bored enough to spend time with me is about .0001%. Don't be afraid to tell me no. I used to get upset with others for double-booking themselves and then having to cancel on me, but I found that I started doing that, too, because no one was really dependable. No one would stick to a plan. And that's how it was through most of college. But I actually had a lot of friends in college so I rarely couldn't find a friend that was being responsive when I wanted to be social. It was so frustrating, and this sort of irritation has been really bothering me a lot in the last few months. I guess I should cut such people out of my life or just learn to not rely on them as a friend but just someone who I may occasionally see, but that wouldn't really be like a friend because when we hang out would depend totally on them. And that isn't how it should be either. If you're my friend, sometimes call me or email me just to say hi.

When I moved to Warner Robins over 2 years ago, I found a friend, Hillery, who was like the ultimate friend to me. She was (and still is) fun to be around, made plans, let me know right away her status, so I had adequate time to make other plans, gave a good honest reason, and simply was more dependable than any other friend I have had. And I expect to be treated that way from all of my friends. While I did become closer to her than any previous friend, this consideration and dependability started even when we barely knew each other. I guess it's a college person's way of thinking - still enjoying the large amounts of freedom from being away from the parents - that leads people to be fickle social butterflies who only make last minute plans. I suppose people change when they get older and have to be more responsible.

Why Bother With Something Not Good Just Because It's Something?

During my large amounts of alone time the last couple of weeks, I have been watching lots of reruns on Veronica Mars, one of my favorite tv shows ever, which I was very sad they canceled after only 3 seasons. Anyway, the subject of this note is a line from Veronica Mars and is one of the many quotes that has stuck out in my mind lately.

We all have things we long for and voids in our heart we seek to fill. And sometimes we get so caught up in finding these things that we take the first thing that comes our way and lose focus of what it is we really are longing for. We may say to ourselves that we will spend time with this not-so-great thing until something better comes along. But we may soon find ourselves so caught up in this intermediate thing that when something better comes along we don’t realize it, or if we find something better, we realize that pursuing it, thus leaving behind and being unfair to the thing we used to just pass the time. Some people don’t even recognize the difference between what is good and not good. Is it better to be oblivious to that and probably be more content with life or to know what is good for you but don’t/can’t have?

Then there’s this other quote to live “like you were dying”, which to me means not to hold back anything. You only get one life so you better make the most of it. Maybe it’s just my interpretation but making the most of life means doing what seems fun right away – not waiting around for anything or anyone.

So is it better to have something not good than to have nothing? Does having something not good instead of nothing diminish the chances of finding something good later on? Does one or the other cause one to lower his/her standards and possibly lead to settling for something not good?

Introduction

At the young age of 24, I have traveled the world a great deal. By the time I was 15 I had been to 48 of the stated in the USA and over 20 countries. My country count is now around 30 and Alaska and Oregon are still left as the 2 states I have yet to visit. And I have lived in Georgia my whole life.

I'm starting this blog as a way to share some of my experiences, currently, as well as some of the more interesting adventures I have had in the past, from seeing the Berlin Wall shortly after it fell to going paragliding in Switzerland to visiting the coral beaches of the Philippines to the wineries in Napa, CA.

I've decided to write about my life experiences and relationship issues in an abstrct way as well, importing some old posts from my old xanga site to consolidate things. I have another blog, bridgemaniacs.blogspot.com for those of you who want to read about bridge.

A Whole New World, A New Fantastic Point of View

I know entirely too many people approximately my age getting married this year. It’s depressing. I go on a 2 ½ week vacation and when I get back 2 of my co-workers are just married and another is getting married next month. I want to get married. But there’s no one I can reasonably see myself getting married to any time soon. Or maybe I just want someone to live with and eat dinner with and just have someone I can always count on being able to hang out with and have fun together. I have a housemate now, but it’s still like I am living alone, just with an extra $450/month. I suppose a dog could fit those needs. But I don’t want that kind of responsibility yet. I have fish now, so if I can manage another couple of months without neglecting them, maybe I’ll be ready for a dog again, and then later on a human.

My trips to the Philippines and Berlin were very interesting and emotional to me. It was nice to see where my mom came from and to see all my family that is in San Nicolas and Laoag – way too many 2nd cousins for me to remember all the names after just a week or two! Just seeing the living conditions and general way of life in the Philippines was fascinating to me as well. I have been there 3 times before, but not as an adult able to get a good perspective on things. Back to the marriage thing – everyone kept asking me if I am married or if I have a girlfriend. At the end I said I would return to the Philippines on my honeymoon or in 3 years to find a wife, which ever is sooner. I don’t know how serious I was about that. Right now I am inclined to learn Ilocano and go back in November when Kitty and Auntiecelle go back because, while communication was a bit strained, I felt more relaxed, loved, and appreciated than I have in a long time.

I miss having a family nearby. I mean, I’ve always had my parents living fairly close to me, but never have I ever had any extended family that I could see enough to really get to know. Seriously, my aunt and uncle in Germany are the relatives I see most, and that’s for maybe 1 week in 2 years. I guess I would actually like to see my parents more frequently (but for shorter periods of time) than I do, but that would require us to be in the same city and I’m not about to move back to Valdosta. In 2008, I spent significant time with someone else’s extended family and it was great to sort of feel like I had a family here. That sort of dissipated and I reverted back to old habits, and then these 2 weeks with my extended family reminded me again how I’m missing out. Friends are fun and great but family are really the only people you can

Why'd You Have to Go and Make Things So Complicated

Hopefully after I return from my 17 day vacation, life will settle down again. It has been hectic and overwhelming and drama-filled since the end of last summer. I guess I brought it all upon myself but it was mostly just a reaction to the difficult circumstances to try to keep myself happy. It’s unreasonable to expect this summer to be as much fun as last summer, but I hope it comes close. I really miss just being able to chill out at home with a really good friend or two and just enjoy the simple things in life. Most people think I am very introverted, and in many ways I am – I don’t talk a whole lot and I don’t make friends easily. But really, I like social activity more than just about anyone. I just want a few very close friends who I can depend on day in and day out, who are happy to just be there with me without having to do something or talk all the time.

I am afraid that I will be bored after just a couple of days in the Philippines. But maybe it will just be a good opportunity to catch up on some reading and TV shows from this spring that I haven’t gotten to watch but have saved on my computer. It will be good. It will help me get back into a mode of not being so restless and not being so attached to the internet, and I really do need to take this trip. That reminds me that I need to copy pictures and videos over to the laptop I am going to take with me so that my family can see all the cool things and cool people who have helped me become this wonderful man they have been hearing about.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This Unless You Mean it Like That

I don’t know what sparked this change in me but when I was a freshman at Tech and before, I had no female friends. Since then the vast majority of my friends have been female. It’s like I realized that I actually get along better with girls than guys. I don’t like the way so many guys spend so much energy talking about who they would do and checking out the bodies and rating every girl that goes by, who are more concerned with getting laid than having a meaningful relationship.

Anyway, I have heard lots of stuff over the last couple of weeks that has bothered me and made me see the bad in people from stalkers to betrayal to cheating spouses to trust issues to selfishness to lying to people being led on. I am glad that for the most part none of the recent issues directly involve me. I feel overwhelmed right now with all the crap that I have seen and heard from people in my life. I generally see the good in people and try to ignore the bad. Until the bad gets to be so overbearing that some intervention is needed. But lately that has been hard. I am really glad, though, that people want me to be a good friend to them and trust me with their secrets and want my advice even though my experience on the issues are few and far between.

I can be very naïve. To people I like and want to be friends with, I believe everything they say and take their words at face value. Giving an excuse rather than saying no to means that at some other time they answer will be yes. I know a lot of people do this, and I probably do it too, sometimes, but I try to be clear about my interest levels. I guess some people realize the fakeness of an excuse earlier but it takes me awhile to get the message. I am always optimistic about such things. I need new friends – friends with similar values as me, friends who are dependable, who will call me back and be brutally honest with me. I know I am setting myself up for disappointment and may have standard that are too high but it’s a risk worth taking to have healthy meaningful relationships and friendships.