Reset of expectations

Cristal used a phrase I really liked the other day: she said that throughout the course of relationships and friendships, a reset of expectations is necessary. She and I have been good friends for a several years now and haven’t had any such reset of expectations – I guess we just see the world and our friendship the same way. Expectations are a big thing. She and I get maybe 4 blocks of time together each year, mostly 3-5 days at bridge tournaments and have consistent communication the rest of the year, never more than a couple of days between conversations. With most people, however, one or other usually wants more contact than the other.

If we expect someone to talk to every day but the other person wants only once a week, there’s a problem. If one person wants someone to confide in but the other wants to just be a fair weather friend, there’s a problem. If one person wants to date and the other wants to be platonic, there’s a problem. And just because we may want different things at a particular time does not mean that we can’t change our expectations to align better. These differences can be overcome and change over time, and I think in general we should try to overcome them, but it requires clear communication about what you want/don’t want/like/dislike about the relationship.

To reset expectations, a conversation might go like:

"I feel like I am always the one initiating things..are you really in with their friendship or are you just joining sometimes when you happen to have nothing to do."

"Yeah, I know man. I'm a little busy to try to plan a lo I'll try."

"Alright. Well I'm clearly most vested in this than you are so I'll not bug you as much and wait for you to.suggesr something"

Or

"We've been good friends for awhile but I feel like you're wanting more and I can't really give more."

"Yeah, things are a little complicated with work/wife/girlfriend and I need to figure that out and let it settle.down,"

"Alright, let's take a little break and then talk again when you've got things figured out so that feelings for me don't cloud your judgment."

I am not one to give up on people. Once I decide I want you are a bone fide friend, I’ll work like heck to keep you. I’ll have your back, I’ll debate with you and complain to you and ask you about your feelings and tell you about mine, and it’s all out of care and wanting fewer but closer friendships/relationships rather than more shallow ones.

When there’s conflict, I want to talk about it and work through it, and I believe it is the healthy mature thing to do as it builds deeper more meaningful relationships with others. In the last few years, I’ve come across several people who run from conflict, who run from relationships and friendships over seemingly a small disagreement. I’ve had people completely cut me off with no explanation or discussion, and I don’t understand this lack of an effort to resolve things or at least end on agreeable terms. One bad night or misstep should hardly be more than a bump in the road.

Trust Issues

It’s hard to trust people. Unless it’s someone who has a proven track record of dozens of encounters with me, I have doubts in my mind about whether someone will flake out on me or forget about a plan we made or just not understand me clearly. I can count on one hand the number of people I never worry about being a bad friend. I try to trust people and accept that when they say they’ll do something that they will do it (or have a damn good excuse for not doing it). In the past, that has left me disappointed too many times and mentally unprepared to adapt to the situation well. But the truth is that most people are unreliable, except to their immediate family and a couple of their closest friends, and trusting people who haven’t proved to you that they are dependable only leads to more disappointment later on. I’ve found that a good attitude to have in situations like this (having a date or other plan with someone relatively new to you) is: “I don’t care much what happens. If the person does come through, great, but if not – well, I didn’t expect them to anyway and I’ll find something else to do.” I tend to think I am extremely reliable, even with people I barely know but I may be delusional.

Preempting Life

In bridge, preempting is an attempt to prevent the opponents from bidding effectively – essentially, it is taking a chance that partner doesn’t have a good hand either and that by bidding higher right away, you’ll put yourself in a better position to score well. Life, however, isn’t a competition so you’re not trying to prevent anyone else from having anything but just trying to be prepared for the future changes that might or might not occur. Occasionally in bridge, it backfires and you go for -800 or so, occasionally you keep them out of game or slam or they get to the wrong strain, and sometimes it really doesn’t have much effect. In life, it can work the same way. Preempting life can sabotage the current state, make the future changes not so glorious, or it can help you move on to bigger and better things, or it can have no effect at all.

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, preempt has these definitions:

1) to acquire (as land) by preemption

2) to seize upon the exclusion of others

3) to replace with something considered to be of greater value or priority

4) to gain a commanding or preeminent place in

5) to prevent from happening or taking place

6) to make a preemptive bid in bridge

So, what does it mean to preempt life? I define it as planning ahead to have activities to fill certain voids in life in the near future that inevitably will be there when some current activity ends. This can include preparing for a new job before you quit the old one, making new friends in anticipation of a falling out with a current friend or a current friend’s move, planning a weekend visit somewhere to preclude being home and alone and bored, trying to get involved in another social activity after it gets to be too cold to play tennis, or trying to develop a new partnership with the anticipation that a current partnership is going to end.

We all do this to some extent, but I maybe take it to the extreme. To a point it is good to have new activities to take the place of old activities. They say the best way to get over something is to stay busy with other things. However, the best way to get over a girl is NOT to find another girl. That’s not fair to her and you’re unlikely to be genuine with her until well after the heartache is gone, which for me has been known to take 3 or 4 months but usually is less. So, while I do try to keep a steady flow of friends and bridge partners and different social and intellectual activities, that doesn’t apply to potential mates.

Recently, my good friend Ramesh moved from Atlanta to Hong Kong about 3 weeks ago. He is someone I could always count on to go out to a bar or to team trivia or to play a fun canapé-style of bridge. In anticipation of his departure, I had been and still am kind of seeking out new bridge partners, especially ones that are interested in canapé and who could also become a good drinking buddy, even if only online most of the time. Locally, that’s not happening as I’m “stuck” with Emory and Joel and Bob, who are actually quite clearly my three best partnerships – just not quite in my age bracket.

Also recently, I’ve been trying to preempt an anticipated dislike of living in Warner Robins by seeking out other things to get involved with (more online bridge and online socializing, writing, singing, acting, working more, traveling more) and also seeking out potential places to move. Having almost decided on Montréal as my next place to live, I started trying to preempt my potential loneliness there by trying to go ahead and make friends there.

In bridge, they say you shouldn’t preempt with a good hand because it inhibits your side from bidding effectively, something that is more important when you have the good cards. Much the same with life – you shouldn’t preempt when it is going well. Or should you? Should you always have a “backup plan ready to be put into action” or does that jeopardize the current state of goodness?

Schism

"There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting,
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing,
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication."

If there’s one quality in a person I have the most difficulty accepting and dealing with, it is phoniness.
It’s the person who puts on a front for everyone, always appearing to like everyone and be friendly with everyone while secretly wishing he were somewhere else.
It’s the person that agrees to something but then when it comes down to actually doing it, has some lame excuse.
It’s the person who acts all interested in talking with you at a party, you exchange contact info and never hear from the person again.
It’s the person who never really was interested in hanging out with you, but since you were interested, he went along with it for awhile until one day he just quits associating with you.
It’s the person who is super nice to you at the office lunches but goes home and complains about what a bore or a jerk you are.
It’s the person you ask to go out to lunch with who says he love to but then gives a lame excuse for why he can’t today.

Do you know people like this? We probably are all like some of these people some of the time. These are just a few generic examples of how communication in our society sometimes suffers, and most of the time it's not because we are trying to be rude but just have difficulty finding the balance between clarity and frankness.

We are all taught at a young age to be nice to everyone and not talk bad about anyone, and in general those are both good things to follow. However, it can and frequently does get overdone. For people working in customer service, yes, you have to be nice and friendly to people you don’t care for but in such a setting, usually the other person knows it and isn’t taking it as any personal niceness. In a professional environment, we are supposed to be cordial but not particularly friendly with anyone. There are clear ways that we are supposed to behave in these instances. It’s in the social world where it gets muddy, where you can choose who you associate with and be nice to. And in such a setting, being friendly to someone should be genuine. Being particularly formal with someone should indicate ambivalence. And of course, we can avoid people to express displeasure.

So, what is there to gain from pretending to be nice to someone you have no interest in being friends with? You’re not getting satisfaction and all it would do for the other person is potentially cause them to be disappointed when you inevitably quit pretending to be nice. Occasionally, the pretending to be nice does turn into genuinely being nice, but that is rare.

And what’s the point of agreeing to do something, even in a very casual conversation, without having any actual intentions of following through with it? If you know the other person is also not taking it seriously, it’s fine. With a female friend here, we regularly talk about hooking up or her leaving her boyfriend for me, but we both know it’s not going to happen so it’s all fun and games. If the other person takes your agreeability seriously and then winds up expecting something later, all you’ve done is postpone and magnify the disappointment.

And how about talking behind someone’s back? That bugs me more than almost anything else. Don’t say something about someone behind their back that you haven’t told to their face. Yes, it’s definitely easier to tell a 3rd party but you do have an obligation to tell the person you’re irritated with before anyone else. By the same token, once you've been friends with someone and you decide you don't want to anymore, you are obligated to give them an explanation and fix any issues that may be fixable.

Colleague Interactions

Typically by 3:30 Friday, everyone at the office starts heading home with no intentions of seeing their colleagues again until Monday. One week, however, one of the guys is playing in a band at a bar that Friday so a bunch of the 20- and 30-something would meet there that evening. Even though they all do essentially the same work and have very similar educational backgrounds, there is quite a variety of personalities in this group.

Among the people from the office, the first to arrive, naturally, are the band member and his wife. Second to arrive is the player, who originally had not planned on going but that lady he was planning to be with that night bailed. So the player, who was raised Muslim but has rebelled against his family to be a big drinker and smoker, is already half drunk at 8pm and looking to pick up a new girl (or two). Next to show up is one of the guys in his late 30’s with his girlfriend. They briefly chat with the band member, have 1 drink, and actually leave before the live music starts because they are going ballroom dancing.

Next to arrive is the Indian dude who recently got married. They chat with the wife the whole time and do not drink any. They’re on a tight budget, having had to spend a lot on an extravagant wedding and planning to buy a house and have a kid soon. Plus she gets mad when he drinks. Just before show time, the token black guy from the office shows up. He clearly looks out of place, but really, there are plenty of minorities in the bar – it’s the fact that he’s socially challenged that makes him uncomfortable. He stands off to the side alone and says exchanges pleasantries with the other office members when they come by. By the 3rd song, he is gone. Who knows where he went?

Just in time to see the token black guy, the card shark shows up and before greeting anyone, gets a drink from the bar. He mingles a good bit and is well-liked but gets frustrated with the people who don’t understand his love for card games. Shortly afterward, the Vietnamese guy shows up sans wife. He rarely associates with the colleagues, preferring to stick to the Vietnamese crowd, but he had been saying for months that he would bring his wife out to one of the office gatherings to meet everyone. At least he came out this time, so that’s a slight improvement. Emotional dude shows up at about the same time, complaining about various little things in life. He’s quite a sociable fellow but some of the group doesn’t like him because he’s so thoughtful and gets upset with people too easily. After about the 6th song, Mormon dude arrives at the bar still in his work clothes and he orders water to drink. Like most Mormons he is completely anti-alcohol but he shows up at all the social gatherings and never appears to have any interest in women or anything really.

At the first break in the live music, everyone is gathered around and wondering where the token girl from the office is. Everyone loves her because she flirts with all the guys, even though she is happily taken. So, emotional dude gives her a call, and then gives her boyfriend a call, with no response from either. Emotional dude is also the one that frequently tried to organize social events, further getting frustrated when people don’t cooperate. Near the end of the show, player, card shark, Mormon dude, and Vietnamese dude are left in the audience with band member’s wife. Player is busy playing pool with some random girl. The card shark, who has been ready to go home for awhile and get back to playing cards online (since no one wants to play in person on a Friday night) but isn’t quite sober enough to drive, hitches a ride with the Mormon. Presumably, the player eventually took a cab home or went home with the girl, and only his wife was left to greet the band member at the end of the performance.

Note: This is not a reflection of any particular group of people – just an example of how a diverse group of colleagues might get along.

5 Rants About Dating and Being Friends

I hate it when someone who actually wants to be a real friend refers to me or anyone else as just a friend. To me, that’s a slap in the face and indicates that you’re not really a friend but are just saying that to be nice. There is some distinction between a friend and just a friend, and just a friend is certainly less important. In scrabble, when I play a 15 point word, I say it’s just 15 points, when I score 59% at the Robins Bridge Club, I say it’s just 59%. (Those are very low scores, btw, for my standards) I will never refer to someone as just a friend. I prefer to call them as acquaintances or not give a label at all.

I hate it when girls say let’s be friends and then don’t ever have any intentions of actually spending time together. Recently someone said, I’d love to be friends but I typically don’t associate with my guy friends more than about once in 6 months. What’s the point in that?

I hate when girls say you’re “totally awesome and you make me laugh and we get along great, but I’m not that into you.” Isn’t it the guy that’s supposed to be the one to say something like this, which to me says, “Your personality and sense of humor and compatibility with me are so wonderful but I’d rather be with a hot sexy guy who’s not so good for me.” I see a girlfriend/mate as the ultimate friend, and I see “being into someone” basically meaning thinking that said person is totally awesome, able to make you laugh, and gets along with you great. Someone correct me if I am wrong.

I hate when people want to be facebook friends but never actually personally communicate with me. If I message you I expect you to respond or defriend me.

Corollary: I hate for people to say things just to be nice. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you have nothing nice to genuinely say, don't say anything unless asked to or think it will help the other person, in which case, definitely say exactly what's on your mind.

I hate that 98% of the time I’m the one that initiates conversations. This seems odd because I know I am less talkative than 98% of my friends. What does this mean? I tend to think that it’s primarily because I at heart am a very sociable person, who has more free time than my friends, and who likes to actually associate with friends on a more regular basis. But maybe it’s a message that my so-called friends don’t like talking to me.

When it’s after 2am, just go to sleep

“In one night, I managed to hurt 2 people I cared about… and none of it would have happened if I had just listened to my mom. So I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s this: when it’s after 2am, just go to sleep.”

Recently I started watching “How I met your Mother.” I know, it’s been on TV for 4 years but I hadn’t seen it until a couple of months ago. I loved the one half of an episode I saw so I added it to the list of shows to watch when I have free time again. In the past month I made it through season 1. While the tv show is hilarious and a little over the top, I can really identify with Ted, the main chartacter - a nice guy with a good stable job, who is eager to settle down with a woman but the women he is most attracted to are too involved with their careers to give him much of a chance, at least in season 1. And there are some good ugly truths about relationships that are presented. The quote above is one that sticks out in my head now, not intending to imply that I've been getting into trouble after 2am lately.

Partly due to the "How I met your mother" influence, my new confidence, and my new interest in making my voice heard, I may try too hard sometimes and try some things that are really too much. Doing grand gestures for someone – like buying her a computer or writing her a poem or singing her a song or driving 4 hours to visit her just so you can do her laundry and clean her bathroom and cook (not saying I've done those things, they're just examples) - is sort of an all or nothing thing. Either she really likes it or really hates it. I was kind of tired or people being pretty much apathetic toward me. I was tired of being apathetic myself. When you speak more freely and do unusual things, you’re bound to make more enemies and have more fights but you’re also bound to make more meaningful friendships. I made more enemies in 2009 than ever before, but I also made more real friends in 2009, and reconciled with more enemies in 2009 than ever before. That’s the new me. For now.

Flights to Europe in May are expensive now. If you happen to find a good deal on flights from Atlanta to Paris or Rome or Berlin near the end of May, let me know.

Great Expectations

No, I'm not writing a review of the Charles Dickens book. I’m writing about personal expectations for life. We have a tendency to expect certain things from certain people and often times our expectations are too high, leaving us disappointed when the expectations don’t come true.

For me, this tends to happen only with people I am very close to or want to be very close to. I expect compliments about certain things, regular phone calls and emails, and other courtesies that wouldn’t be expected of an acquaintance. So, for a long time I kept getting frustrated because my expectations for how others treated me were not met. And it took a long time to grow out of that – to expect nothing from anyone. Sometimes it’s good to just embrace being an individual not dependent on anyone. So, for most of this year, that is how I’ve been. I have lots of acquaintances but no one I really have depended on. If someone says they’ll call back and they don’t, oh well. If someone ditched me last minute, oh well.

But this also leaves a lot lacking. We all need close intimate relationships – not necessarily a romantic relationship, but a couple of people we can depend on to lift us up anytime, to call us just to say hi, to spend time with on a daily basis. And I feel myself longing for that again. But I don’t know who to turn to for that kind of friendship. My best friend doesn’t have time to be the best friend that I need/want. Hopefully someone good will come my way. I just can’t go force it on someone. Things like developing close bonds are kind of unpredictable and if you try to mess with the ways of the world, it can easily backfire.

Communication With Friends

For those of you who actually know me and have ever planned or attempted to plan anything with me, you know that I am not very tolerant of people who always wait until the last minute and/or are unresponsive. In middle school and high school, I tended to be one of these people who didn't respond to people in a timely manner mostly due to being slightly anti-social. I didn't become a real functioning human being until I was in college. But once I decided I wanted to actually interact with people on a regular basis and had to arrange things on my own (in high school, social things were all built-in to my life due to baseball and tennis and school-related stuff), I became very responsive to others and considerate when responding to others. And I'm mainly talking about responding when asked to do something or when trying to plan some social event in the next few days/weeks. Be considerate. Don't leave me hanging for several days. Don't ignore me. Don't say you might want to do some activity when the chances you'll actually be bored enough to spend time with me is about .0001%. Don't be afraid to tell me no. I used to get upset with others for double-booking themselves and then having to cancel on me, but I found that I started doing that, too, because no one was really dependable. No one would stick to a plan. And that's how it was through most of college. But I actually had a lot of friends in college so I rarely couldn't find a friend that was being responsive when I wanted to be social. It was so frustrating, and this sort of irritation has been really bothering me a lot in the last few months. I guess I should cut such people out of my life or just learn to not rely on them as a friend but just someone who I may occasionally see, but that wouldn't really be like a friend because when we hang out would depend totally on them. And that isn't how it should be either. If you're my friend, sometimes call me or email me just to say hi.

When I moved to Warner Robins over 2 years ago, I found a friend, Hillery, who was like the ultimate friend to me. She was (and still is) fun to be around, made plans, let me know right away her status, so I had adequate time to make other plans, gave a good honest reason, and simply was more dependable than any other friend I have had. And I expect to be treated that way from all of my friends. While I did become closer to her than any previous friend, this consideration and dependability started even when we barely knew each other. I guess it's a college person's way of thinking - still enjoying the large amounts of freedom from being away from the parents - that leads people to be fickle social butterflies who only make last minute plans. I suppose people change when they get older and have to be more responsible.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This Unless You Mean it Like That

I don’t know what sparked this change in me but when I was a freshman at Tech and before, I had no female friends. Since then the vast majority of my friends have been female. It’s like I realized that I actually get along better with girls than guys. I don’t like the way so many guys spend so much energy talking about who they would do and checking out the bodies and rating every girl that goes by, who are more concerned with getting laid than having a meaningful relationship.

Anyway, I have heard lots of stuff over the last couple of weeks that has bothered me and made me see the bad in people from stalkers to betrayal to cheating spouses to trust issues to selfishness to lying to people being led on. I am glad that for the most part none of the recent issues directly involve me. I feel overwhelmed right now with all the crap that I have seen and heard from people in my life. I generally see the good in people and try to ignore the bad. Until the bad gets to be so overbearing that some intervention is needed. But lately that has been hard. I am really glad, though, that people want me to be a good friend to them and trust me with their secrets and want my advice even though my experience on the issues are few and far between.

I can be very naïve. To people I like and want to be friends with, I believe everything they say and take their words at face value. Giving an excuse rather than saying no to means that at some other time they answer will be yes. I know a lot of people do this, and I probably do it too, sometimes, but I try to be clear about my interest levels. I guess some people realize the fakeness of an excuse earlier but it takes me awhile to get the message. I am always optimistic about such things. I need new friends – friends with similar values as me, friends who are dependable, who will call me back and be brutally honest with me. I know I am setting myself up for disappointment and may have standard that are too high but it’s a risk worth taking to have healthy meaningful relationships and friendships.