Be My Escape

Awkward situations have been rampant in my life lately and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. If we never experienced awkwardness, we would be stuck with the same friends, with the same life. At the beginning of any relationship or friendship, there is bound to be some awkwardness, especially for someone like me who tends to be very slow at opening up to people.

If we run away at the first sign of anything awkward, we are cheating ourselves out of an opportunity. It may be more comfortable at the present time to follow your routine or stay alone but it doesn’t help to improve our quality of life. Even if a situation turns out to not be good, at least you’ll know what you’re missing. I used to run back to my comfort zone every time I found myself in a strange territory. In the last year or two I have stepped out into the world more than ever before and it is wonderful, and I realize that I missed out on many things when I was an avoider.

I am a very determined person, in many respects. I have a hard time finding things I am passionate about but once I do find something, I go all out to make the best of it and make it work. When I decide I want to be someone’s friend, I am persistent. They may at first push me away a bit with some lame excuse to avoid the bit of awkwardness, but it takes a lot of attempts before I change my mind and decide that we’re just not meant to be friends. When I decide to do something, whether it be work or bridge or tennis or acting, you can be sure I’ll work hard at it. The best things in life you have to fight for. The opportunity may fall into your lap but then you have to go after it and be bold.

Sometimes things reach the point of being awkward even after several attempts. But still, awkward is better than boring or empty. If you find some event/person boring, there’s no temptation to try it again, but if it’s awkward, at least you care and may try to approach the situation differently next time.

With Thanksgiving coming up, many of us will face some awkward situations with long lost friends and family or people you ordinarily don’t spend much time around. I say, embrace the opportunity and make the best of it.

“I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.
I fought you for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You” – Relient K

Open Up Your Plans and Damn You're Free

I’m still afraid to take a break from doing lots of stuff. I’m afraid that if I spend a weekend at home with nothing in particular to do that I’ll get lonely and sad. But I was planning to do that the rest of the year, with my only real activities left this year being a trip San Diego over Thanksgiving and skiing right before Christmas. My solution for the past year has been to go places and see lots of different friends while not getting attached to any of them. It has been fun, but rather unfulfilling. I like having just a few really close friends and I like taking going to see places with them rather than a multitude of not-so-close friends that I go visit all over the country.

They say that life’s best gifts come when you’re not expecting anything or even looking for anything. As I think about how I met and got to be good friends with people in the past, it was really just by luck and good fortune. When this opportunity to be in a play a week or 2 ago presented itself to me, it was a total surprise. And I’m even surprised that I agreed to it – out of the 4 people I asked for advice on whether I should, only 2 actually thought I could handle it. I’ll wait until the performances to pass final judgment on this, but after 5 rehearsals, I am enjoying it a lot. The pretending to be a couple is a little weird (we’ve known each other 1 week and seem like we’re afraid to get close to each other). Maybe a good friend or two will come from this but I shouldn’t expect anything.

Filipinos are typically very strong in the performing arts like singing and dancing. I was in some Filipino dances 15-20 years ago but that’s all. My mom didn’t raise me to be a good Filipino – she didn’t teach me the language either. As a freshman in college, I joined the Filipino Student Association but somehow never got involved with of their little productions. I regret that a little bit.

I’ve been having the urge to write a lot lately. Since the summer, actually, when I started my bridge blog. The one thing I regret more than anything from my time at Tech is not getting involved with the Technique. I may not be one for reading books or making up stories but I could have made great contributions as a news writer or sports writer or editor for the school paper. I can write very well and I like to write as long as it doesn’t require too much imagination. Maybe in my next career (which isn’t starting any time soon) I’ll get to do some writing and use my French.

New Adventure

Friday evening I got an email from my favorite bridge partner that really surprised me. Of course, I was also surprised when he told me two years ago that he’s going to be in a play. I mean, I have the same kind of personality as him – kind of quiet and reserved. But he has loved being in plays for years, apparently.

The email was about a part in Traditions, a play at the Macon Little Theatre in less than a month. They need a person to play the role of Nevarre, supposedly a foreigner, and there were apparently no brown people that auditioned. I was flattered but I can’t sing or dance. At least that’s what I had been telling myself for years. The memorization and speaking in front of an audience shouldn’t be a problem, and the role seems to be very much like me in real life so there wouldn’t be much need to be someone different. So I said I would be interested as long as I don’t have any musical solos.

Meanwhile, I asked my parents and my best friend what they thought of this. My dad said I should jump on the opportunity and that I would do well. My mom and best friend were both doubtful that I could handle it. They didn’t say it in so many words but comments like “it’s worth a try” and “you’ll have to speak louder” and “your soft voice may hinder you” made it clear that they didn’t have much confidence in me. But what do they know? They’re only the 3 people in the world that know me the best.

Tonight, they decided that they would like my services and I am excited about this. It’s something new for me but something I am confident I can do well. Previously, I would have taken my parents’ and best friends words and said there’s no way I can do this if my best friends don’t even think I can. But this time, it’s just motivation for me to do well and prove that they’re wrong. Besides, I like new adventures and need the opportunity to meet more fascinating people. So, I start rehearsal tomorrow. More updates to come.

Great Expectations

No, I'm not writing a review of the Charles Dickens book. I’m writing about personal expectations for life. We have a tendency to expect certain things from certain people and often times our expectations are too high, leaving us disappointed when the expectations don’t come true.

For me, this tends to happen only with people I am very close to or want to be very close to. I expect compliments about certain things, regular phone calls and emails, and other courtesies that wouldn’t be expected of an acquaintance. So, for a long time I kept getting frustrated because my expectations for how others treated me were not met. And it took a long time to grow out of that – to expect nothing from anyone. Sometimes it’s good to just embrace being an individual not dependent on anyone. So, for most of this year, that is how I’ve been. I have lots of acquaintances but no one I really have depended on. If someone says they’ll call back and they don’t, oh well. If someone ditched me last minute, oh well.

But this also leaves a lot lacking. We all need close intimate relationships – not necessarily a romantic relationship, but a couple of people we can depend on to lift us up anytime, to call us just to say hi, to spend time with on a daily basis. And I feel myself longing for that again. But I don’t know who to turn to for that kind of friendship. My best friend doesn’t have time to be the best friend that I need/want. Hopefully someone good will come my way. I just can’t go force it on someone. Things like developing close bonds are kind of unpredictable and if you try to mess with the ways of the world, it can easily backfire.