Open Up Your Plans and Damn You're Free

I’m still afraid to take a break from doing lots of stuff. I’m afraid that if I spend a weekend at home with nothing in particular to do that I’ll get lonely and sad. But I was planning to do that the rest of the year, with my only real activities left this year being a trip San Diego over Thanksgiving and skiing right before Christmas. My solution for the past year has been to go places and see lots of different friends while not getting attached to any of them. It has been fun, but rather unfulfilling. I like having just a few really close friends and I like taking going to see places with them rather than a multitude of not-so-close friends that I go visit all over the country.

They say that life’s best gifts come when you’re not expecting anything or even looking for anything. As I think about how I met and got to be good friends with people in the past, it was really just by luck and good fortune. When this opportunity to be in a play a week or 2 ago presented itself to me, it was a total surprise. And I’m even surprised that I agreed to it – out of the 4 people I asked for advice on whether I should, only 2 actually thought I could handle it. I’ll wait until the performances to pass final judgment on this, but after 5 rehearsals, I am enjoying it a lot. The pretending to be a couple is a little weird (we’ve known each other 1 week and seem like we’re afraid to get close to each other). Maybe a good friend or two will come from this but I shouldn’t expect anything.

Filipinos are typically very strong in the performing arts like singing and dancing. I was in some Filipino dances 15-20 years ago but that’s all. My mom didn’t raise me to be a good Filipino – she didn’t teach me the language either. As a freshman in college, I joined the Filipino Student Association but somehow never got involved with of their little productions. I regret that a little bit.

I’ve been having the urge to write a lot lately. Since the summer, actually, when I started my bridge blog. The one thing I regret more than anything from my time at Tech is not getting involved with the Technique. I may not be one for reading books or making up stories but I could have made great contributions as a news writer or sports writer or editor for the school paper. I can write very well and I like to write as long as it doesn’t require too much imagination. Maybe in my next career (which isn’t starting any time soon) I’ll get to do some writing and use my French.

Great Expectations

No, I'm not writing a review of the Charles Dickens book. I’m writing about personal expectations for life. We have a tendency to expect certain things from certain people and often times our expectations are too high, leaving us disappointed when the expectations don’t come true.

For me, this tends to happen only with people I am very close to or want to be very close to. I expect compliments about certain things, regular phone calls and emails, and other courtesies that wouldn’t be expected of an acquaintance. So, for a long time I kept getting frustrated because my expectations for how others treated me were not met. And it took a long time to grow out of that – to expect nothing from anyone. Sometimes it’s good to just embrace being an individual not dependent on anyone. So, for most of this year, that is how I’ve been. I have lots of acquaintances but no one I really have depended on. If someone says they’ll call back and they don’t, oh well. If someone ditched me last minute, oh well.

But this also leaves a lot lacking. We all need close intimate relationships – not necessarily a romantic relationship, but a couple of people we can depend on to lift us up anytime, to call us just to say hi, to spend time with on a daily basis. And I feel myself longing for that again. But I don’t know who to turn to for that kind of friendship. My best friend doesn’t have time to be the best friend that I need/want. Hopefully someone good will come my way. I just can’t go force it on someone. Things like developing close bonds are kind of unpredictable and if you try to mess with the ways of the world, it can easily backfire.