Reset of expectations

Cristal used a phrase I really liked the other day: she said that throughout the course of relationships and friendships, a reset of expectations is necessary. She and I have been good friends for a several years now and haven’t had any such reset of expectations – I guess we just see the world and our friendship the same way. Expectations are a big thing. She and I get maybe 4 blocks of time together each year, mostly 3-5 days at bridge tournaments and have consistent communication the rest of the year, never more than a couple of days between conversations. With most people, however, one or other usually wants more contact than the other.

If we expect someone to talk to every day but the other person wants only once a week, there’s a problem. If one person wants someone to confide in but the other wants to just be a fair weather friend, there’s a problem. If one person wants to date and the other wants to be platonic, there’s a problem. And just because we may want different things at a particular time does not mean that we can’t change our expectations to align better. These differences can be overcome and change over time, and I think in general we should try to overcome them, but it requires clear communication about what you want/don’t want/like/dislike about the relationship.

To reset expectations, a conversation might go like:

"I feel like I am always the one initiating things..are you really in with their friendship or are you just joining sometimes when you happen to have nothing to do."

"Yeah, I know man. I'm a little busy to try to plan a lo I'll try."

"Alright. Well I'm clearly most vested in this than you are so I'll not bug you as much and wait for you to.suggesr something"

Or

"We've been good friends for awhile but I feel like you're wanting more and I can't really give more."

"Yeah, things are a little complicated with work/wife/girlfriend and I need to figure that out and let it settle.down,"

"Alright, let's take a little break and then talk again when you've got things figured out so that feelings for me don't cloud your judgment."

I am not one to give up on people. Once I decide I want you are a bone fide friend, I’ll work like heck to keep you. I’ll have your back, I’ll debate with you and complain to you and ask you about your feelings and tell you about mine, and it’s all out of care and wanting fewer but closer friendships/relationships rather than more shallow ones.

When there’s conflict, I want to talk about it and work through it, and I believe it is the healthy mature thing to do as it builds deeper more meaningful relationships with others. In the last few years, I’ve come across several people who run from conflict, who run from relationships and friendships over seemingly a small disagreement. I’ve had people completely cut me off with no explanation or discussion, and I don’t understand this lack of an effort to resolve things or at least end on agreeable terms. One bad night or misstep should hardly be more than a bump in the road.