Conflicting Rules

There are so many "rules" of dating and relationships that contradict each other.


"You should wait awhile to call/text her so that she starts to miss you" vs. "You should call her the next day or even later the same day because why wait to talk to someone you're interested in."


I don't wait and it frustrates me to wits end when people don't respond or respond slowly. I'm a busy person and have a lot of things to do and people to see so it's stressful to not know if/when someone will want to go out with me. Maybe I should change this, but if a girl is really gonna get upset about me texting/calling an hour after getting her number and after a good first outing, she's not the one for me. Especially in the world of bridge, waiting makes even less sense because we are often in close proximity for a week during a tournament and then it may be months before we are in the same city again. I've mentioned this before but in How I Met Your Mother, Barney advocates the 3 days rule or waiting 3 days between getting her number and texting/calling, but Ted has a much more sensible rule: "If you like her, call her." Barney is a player who for the most part didn't want a relationship while Ted is a romantic who only wants a serious relationship. I'm definitely like Ted.

"Be upfront about who you are from the beginning" vs. "Stretch the truth and hide the baggage until several dates later"

I've recently tried introducing myself as a pro bridge player instead of an engineer. That's not a lie as I do play pro occasionally, but it's stretching the truth because it makes up a very small part of my income. However, ladies seem more interested in me when I lead with that. I also claim to be from Atlanta, which again isn't a lie because I do own a condo in Atlanta, but it isn't where I spend most of my time. But beyond that, it just feels shady and wrong to portray yourself as something you're not.



"Invite her to casual low-pressure outings with others" vs. "Invite her on something that is unquestionably a date"

I like the low-pressure non-date dates but with no more than 4 total people.

"Go out of your way to agree with the girl or root for her team" vs. "Say what you really think - a little friendly debate is good"
If the date is going to watch a Duke-GT game and the girl is a big Duke fan, I'm not gonna cheer for Duke to be like her. We can have a friendly rivalry. Even if it's two teams I'm more or less netural toward, like if she's a Kansas fan and we are watching a KU vs. UK game, where I have only a slight preference for Kentucky because my dad went there, I'll still cheer for Kentucky.

Reset of expectations

Cristal used a phrase I really liked the other day: she said that throughout the course of relationships and friendships, a reset of expectations is necessary. She and I have been good friends for a several years now and haven’t had any such reset of expectations – I guess we just see the world and our friendship the same way. Expectations are a big thing. She and I get maybe 4 blocks of time together each year, mostly 3-5 days at bridge tournaments and have consistent communication the rest of the year, never more than a couple of days between conversations. With most people, however, one or other usually wants more contact than the other.

If we expect someone to talk to every day but the other person wants only once a week, there’s a problem. If one person wants someone to confide in but the other wants to just be a fair weather friend, there’s a problem. If one person wants to date and the other wants to be platonic, there’s a problem. And just because we may want different things at a particular time does not mean that we can’t change our expectations to align better. These differences can be overcome and change over time, and I think in general we should try to overcome them, but it requires clear communication about what you want/don’t want/like/dislike about the relationship.

To reset expectations, a conversation might go like:

"I feel like I am always the one initiating things..are you really in with their friendship or are you just joining sometimes when you happen to have nothing to do."

"Yeah, I know man. I'm a little busy to try to plan a lo I'll try."

"Alright. Well I'm clearly most vested in this than you are so I'll not bug you as much and wait for you to.suggesr something"

Or

"We've been good friends for awhile but I feel like you're wanting more and I can't really give more."

"Yeah, things are a little complicated with work/wife/girlfriend and I need to figure that out and let it settle.down,"

"Alright, let's take a little break and then talk again when you've got things figured out so that feelings for me don't cloud your judgment."

I am not one to give up on people. Once I decide I want you are a bone fide friend, I’ll work like heck to keep you. I’ll have your back, I’ll debate with you and complain to you and ask you about your feelings and tell you about mine, and it’s all out of care and wanting fewer but closer friendships/relationships rather than more shallow ones.

When there’s conflict, I want to talk about it and work through it, and I believe it is the healthy mature thing to do as it builds deeper more meaningful relationships with others. In the last few years, I’ve come across several people who run from conflict, who run from relationships and friendships over seemingly a small disagreement. I’ve had people completely cut me off with no explanation or discussion, and I don’t understand this lack of an effort to resolve things or at least end on agreeable terms. One bad night or misstep should hardly be more than a bump in the road.

Crazy Girl with Twins

I think this story is also from 2009. One of my female tennis friends, with whom I always had a strictly platonic relationship and who was in the process of getting a divorce, would once or twice a week go out for some drinks at a local bar, sometimes alone but sometimes with a couple others, often after a tennis match for one or both of us. Someday she started inviting her friend Crazy Girl With Twins, recently divorced.

Okay, so now I had two women now to be my wing woman and help me figure out how to get back in this whole dating thing. In return, I provided emotional support for them through a rough time and maybe a different perspective on things than they are used to hearing. It’s pretty clear that I wasn’t interested in either of them, I think. The one who was initially my friend got it, and I think eventually hooked up with one of my single friends who sometimes came out to the bar, but I’m not sure. Both of them had sons who were about equally younger than me as they were older than me, and many of our conversations were about strawberry chicken girl and other girls I was interested in or thought I might be interested in.

Anyway, out at the bar alcohol loosens people up and brings out emotions that we sometimes repress. She (the twins girl) flirts, I flirt back, we danced a bit, all just for fun – there’s no way she thinks this is going anywhere. I’ve said so explicitly: I do not want to be with someone who has kids, certainly not someone with three kids, one of whom is a teenager. That’s kind of a deal breaker to me, right behind smoking as the top deal breaker. Today I could probably handle someone with a kid, but I’m wiser and older and there are many fewer women my age without any baggage. Eventually I reject her advances that go further than just flirting and dancing publicly.

A couple of weeks pass with nothing happening and some weeknight we wind up chilling on my back porch with both the legit friend and the crazy girl with twins. Methinks the latter was just tagging along because she wanted to try to hook up with me again. The friend calls it a night and I expect the other to go as well but she insists on staying, which I was not a fan of but I try to be supportive and listen to her complain about her life because I’m a good listener/friend even to women I don’t want to date. 30 minutes later I insist on taking her home even though she’s all for a sleep over. The next few days I deal with her begging me to go out with her, and I tell her no the way I prefer girls tell me – clear and direct rather than ignoring or beating around the bush. The next week she starts texting me again and blaming me for letting things go so far. Hmm.