Strawberry Chicken Girl

Let’s go back a few years and talk about strawberry chicken girl who I met on eHarmony. We started chatting in March 2009, and agreed to first meet at a Mercer baseball game sometime in late March. She flaked out and gave a list of things she was stressing about, but at least she let me know rather than just not showing up. Her immaturity was showing. Although I was only 3 years older at the time, I was far more mature. She was 21 and clearly an emotional wreck. Next time we did Outback Steakhouse and a movie on a Thursday and she showed up on time, freaking out about something. I paid for dinner and she paid for the movie, through which she texted almost nonstop. After the movie she complained that I didn’t say thanks for paying for the movie. She didn’t say thanks for buying dinner so we were kind of even, but not really because dinner was probably like $5 more but not important. We went to church and lunch together the following Sunday – nothing eventful.

I asked her out for the following weekend and she said only if I get her a strawberry chicken pie. Kind of a strange request but we’ve established this girl was kind of crazy. So what do I do? Invite her over and bake a pie with strawberries and chicken. Duh. As I recall, it wasn’t very tasty to me but she was really impressed. I never figured out if she seriously wanted that or was just kidding around or testing me to see if I’d actually do follow her request, but she got what she asked for.

After that date, which I thought went pretty darn well, she changed her facebook status to in a relationship… not with me. I should have dropped her at that point, but instead I asked her about it and she wrote back “I just need space and time away from you. You have hurt me over the past few days. I forgive you for upsetting me. however I just need space.” I gave her space and a couple days later, she seemed more sane and apologized: “I’m sorry how things have gone down, I had a huge test I was studying for. I sent some hurtful messages because I was emotional and stressed at that time. I know that you are a sweet guy who has feelings and I just ruined them for you. I hope you will accept my apology.”

I, of course, quickly forgave and moved to try to figure out when we would go out again. I’m often too quick to forgive someone for hurting me emotionally and often keep people in my life longer than I should. We went out one more time – to Starbucks where I helped her study for a linear algebra final.

The next week strawberry chicken girl had some guy call me and tell me to quit talking to her because I was supposedly so mean to her. She didn’t delete or block me from facebook, but I let this marinate for a couple of days before calling her up to try to figure out what the heck was going on. Was she seeing two guys and this other one stole my number because he wanted me gone or was she really sending him to end things with me or was she just a crazy person who doesn’t know what to do at all?

She responds via facebook message: “…I am sorry if I have done anything to you. I just want the best for you and to be completely honest I have no idea about you. I am a lost human and don’t know what I want with life. Saturday was fun and I’m glad I got to meet you… I am not going to be coming back to Macon next year and I just need to be closer to home in VA so I will only be in GA another week.”

For a lost girl who only saw me 4 times, that was a pretty nice way for her to end things. About two months later, strawberry chicken girl and I chatted on facebook a few times, and it was okay until we got into a discussion about politics. My very liberal and socialist views came out, and she would have none of it – deleted me from fb in an instant. Not so sane after all.

Modern dating: texting and online dating

Dating is really annoying.  But it’s kind of exciting. We all know there are tons of people out there who are looking for someone not unlike us but the trick is finding said person. For those of us in college or working in the service industry, there are plenty of opportunities to meet people. I am only imagine how often a decent-looking bartender gets asked out. But for those of us with office jobs that are predominantly male and hobbies that tend to not attract many potential mates, it’s difficult.

Every time I see a commercial for eHarmony.com or match.com, they say that 1 in 5 or so relationships now starts online. Despite being an engineer and addicted to facebook, the idea of meeting someone online has never really appealed to me. Nonetheless, I have an eharmony account. In the first couple months of 2009, I met 2 young ladies through there and had 3 or 4 dates with each. I wasn’t actually all that interested in either of them and discontinued using eharmony after 3 months, in favor of attempting to go out to bars and meet ladies there more often. 2 months ago I renewed my eHarmony account and 3 people have survived the multiple choice and short answer part only for me to then close but one I chose to actually send a personal message to. She was a recently graduated law student and had tons in common and after exchanging several emails (through eharmony), she suddenly closed the match –immediately after sending me a nice long message about how she is obsessed with Asian cultures and wants to play tennis. So, that’s it. I can’t respond anymore and I’ll never know what she was thinking or what she suddenly realized unless she re-opens the match. I actually had high hopes for this one. I hope she accidentally hit the wrong button and realizes it soon when she starts wondering why she hasn’t gotten a reply from me.

It also is a weird feeling to see someone you know in person on an online dating site. Eharmony only shows you people that it thinks are good matches so you only see a small percentage of the people registered. Last week, 2 people I know from church showed up as matches for me. Laura has since closed the match, not unexpectedly, and the other one has had no action. It’s somehow weird, but then again, so is this whole texting culture. When I see an article about texting to ask out a girl and they aren’t totally turned off by this, it makes me realize that the culture of dating in America really has changed – even in the last 10 years. Isn’t texting pretty much analogous to email or facebook message, and aren’t both of those still taboo as well?

Don't ask for someone's number and then never call

I don’t understand women sometimes. I’ve been a regular customer at a local restaurant lately. I always sit at the bar and always order one of two things – grilled tilapia or salmon – and always see the same bartender M on Monday night. So, we were on a first name basis and after M dumped her boyfriend, she asked for my number. I obliged, hugged goodbye and left.

After a few more trips, M said “Why haven’t you called me?” “Because you didn’t give me your phone number, but you have mine. Why haven't you called?” “Well here's my number…” A few days later I called and left a message, mildly suggesting we get a drink after she gets off work. A couple of weeks pass, she doesn’t respond and I don’t mention it when I see her at the bar. Now she says she promises to call me and really does want to hang out when she's not bartending.

So I refrain from going to her restaurant for a couple of weeks and then M sends me a text: “You gonna come visit me tonight?” “Maybe. Do you miss me?” No response so I didn't go and haven't been since. I guess I am mildly interested in her but these are signs of being undependable, and I can’t handle undependable.

Business Cards

How do you feel about business cards? Would you rather someone hand you a business card with all of the person's contact info or just add the person's number in your phone on the spot? Is it different for guys and girls? I mean, is it appropriate for a guy to give a girl he is interested in his business card and say "call or text me when you're free so we can hang out" or is it still better to straight up ask for her phone number or to straight up ask her on a date (and then exchange phone numbers)? Or have we progressed even farther that the in thing to do is just add the girl on facebook and send her a facebook message the next day?

I think we all would rather the burden be on someone else to make the first move and it's not fair that in the traditional sense, guys have to make all the first moves and women have veto power. Giving out your business card has a sense of professionalism and class that might not otherwise get conveyed. Plus, it puts the ball in the girl's court. You made the first move and showed your interest, let her make the second and call you.

People hate being rejected, so this system of giving your number and asking them to call you later kind of masks the rejection. If she's interested, she'll call (one would think) and if she's not interested, she won't but you haven't totally be rejected because you never actually asked her out.

In this modern world, more and more communication is done through email and the number of couples that met through online dating is getting a bit ridiculous. But apparently some people still are not as attached to their phones and the internet and facebook as I am. That is hard for me to understand. What do people do at home without internet? However, everyone does have a phone. Nothing beats face to face interaction and asking someone out face to face. Calling on the phone is next best but do girls really still care about how they are asked out any more or would a facebook message saying "dinner tomorrow night at 7?" be adequate for asking you out for the first time?

Interfaith Relationships

Today's post deals with interfaith relationships/marriages. Clearly there are widely varied opinions on this. There are traditionalists who would disown a child for marrying someone of a different religion. There are modern theists who are open to the idea of possibly marrying someone of a different religion, but know that it will inevitably create some extra conflict. Then there are the agnostics/atheists who could give a hoot about what religion their partner is.

I’ve searched a lot for statistics about this. But for the most part, experts seem to think atheists and agnostics have a lower divorce rate and born-again Christians have the highest divorce rate. Does this surprise anyone? I’ve seen many interfaith marriages work out well. And I’ve seen many marriages within the same church crash and burn. I’ve seen people go through a relationship for y ears only to realize that they’ve been wasting their time because they could never marry each other due to their religious convictions. I think a big reason the non-religious people may have more successful marriages is that they are more open-minded and their judgment is never clouded by the notion of God and what He wants and trying to idealize things.

I suppose I fall into the category of a very liberal born-again Protestant. I say liberal in the sense that I totally respect all religions and am open to learning about them and possibly changing my faith someday. But my set of morals and values are as strong as anyone’s, and they are mostly independent of religion. Back to the topic at hand. All religions teach basically the same things. They may have different Gods, different prayers, different holidays but all religion is essentially the same. And which religion we are is largely based on where we grow up or where our parents grew up. The goal of all religion is the give us an explanation for the unexplainable, to guide us to be better people, and make the world a better place. Even the extreme Islam groups have this as their primary goal - they just have a very radical idea of how to achieve that.

So, interfaith relationships are totally fine. Religion is not what keeps us apart. It’s the morals and values that we often associated with religion that are the crucial issues. There are many Christians who, when you evaluate the way the live and their personal values, are very non-Christian, while some atheist may have a lifestyle and values that are equivalent to a good Christian. And to me, a good Christian will be better off with the atheist than a Christian with different values.